In Front of Me

"It is very difficult for us to comprehend and value our own lives. 

It is much easier for us to see things outside ourselves."

  Natalie Goldberg in Writing Down the Bones

 

 

I'll always be Brianne,

wife of my husband,

mother of my children,

child of God.

 



 

I'll always be an artist, a writer, a dreamer -

those are essential for me to be me.

 

There will be parts of me that are shed away,

making room for others to grow stronger -

and as I go through the changes,

I must resolve to accept all of me, lovingly.



A creation,

created,

and

creating -

that is me.

 

"I've come to understand that the creative process is not about creating something separate from myself; it's about creating WHO I AM.  I create myself through my creations."

Alison Strickland in Harvesting Your Journals

The Infinitesimal & Me

Sometimes I forget, you know? 

That I love the small things,

that the small things are what speak to me loudly.

I return to my blog to carve out space for me,

sculpt my reality,

offer to myself what no other place provides for me. 

I come here to remind myself of truths that I need to remember

and to highlight to myself who I am.

 

 

Does it make sense, to find a piece of the infinitesimal

glinting on the floor while vacuuming at day's end? 

And then to spend five to ten minutes photographing it to get it just right,

so it can be seen,

not overcome by its smallness

or washed out by bright light?

To take the tiny seriously; what does it take, really?

Oh, the reminder of my heart cry -

how I needed it so.

 

 

I need my art and I need this space for words and photography.  Last night I sat on the couch stitching my thread painting, and it is going to take many, many hours more until I can call it complete.  And then, and then - there are variations to do of "A Gift For You".  There will be one that looks more like a Claddagh symbol, with the heart shining in the middle.  There will be another that will have the hands placed beneath the heart, palms up.

(as I look at this picture, I realize how much more clearly photography allows me to see)

I love the worlds created in tiny spaces, such as Elisa Kleven does in her wonderful children's books, and the stories I read to my son - The Borrowers and The Littles.  I am enthralled by tapestries, and I love the unicorn series.  Stitches speak to me, and fiber art entices me.  I dream of creating tiny scenes with the little things I collect, placing them in mini frames or shadow boxes, and showcasing them on display.  I desire to blow up the macro photographs I take of teeny entities, making them huge and forcing them to be noticed.  I envision worlds in tiny spaces, such as this necklace charm I created out of wire and beads.  My three little birds.

“Do the little things.”

— St. David of Wales

This is my life work and this is a large part of who I am.  An embracer of the infinitesimal, a lover of the tiny.  Does what I am going to look like it matters?  No?  Then I am going to do it.  Yes?  Can I promise myself this?  It goes against the grain of the world, with its big ways.  To stay here at home with my children, while the NYC and Dubai size bigness loom on the horizon.  The dreams placed within me matter and have purpose in the world.  Will the world overlook them and me?  Probably.  Am I okay with that?  Yes, I think so.

My kids and I have been collecting postcards from the 50 states.  One we received from Oklahoma had information written on it stating that the state experiences thousands of small earth shakes each year.  My son and I were surprised to read this!  Most of these quakes are not strong enough to be felt, but they still occur there.  They don't usually lead to a larger earthquake, but the vibrations still must do something to affect the inner worlds of the people whose feet touch the ground above them.  Wouldn't you think?  How do I know the earth is not shifting beneath me?  After all, it is mustard seeds that move mountains, not huge machinery.  Big change comes from underground movements.  Big change stems from the tiny. 

::Patience::Trust::Persistence::

These words - patience, trust, persistence -

are words that I have recently sculpted for

three different dear friends of mine.

I love sculpting these soul words;

their message intertwined with the metals

twisted to create them, my thoughts interweaving

with prayers lifted into the air.

 

"{t}he word patience means willingness to stay where we are and live out the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us. :: Henri Nouwen" 

(The quote above is one I found recently on someone's blog.)

 



 

Trust & patience serve as ingredients for persistence,

 



"I was most happy when some friends arrived and brought the news that you persist in following the way of Truth. Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" 3 John 1:1

Silence

When the silence calls,

why is it so hard

to respond, to listen?

 

It goes against the grain

of what I think I want,

what I think I need.

 

 

And yet, I long for it,

yearn for it,

but when it comes,

I question its presence,

forgetting it's preciousness.



The calling of a rarefied existence,

to subsist below the pressure

of the atmosphere.

 

To hallow the hollow,

to delve into

the depths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To embrace

the silence

for the life

it brings.

To move myself

to a place

where silence

is venerated.

 

 

 



 

::Breathe:: while ::Waiting::

I have been feeling so impatient, so in need of change,

so ready to move forward into something new. 

I need the messages of these wire words I've recently sculpted,

which fit so well together with the message to

 

Breathe

while

Waiting.

 

I need to.

 

Deb won the giveaway that I offered here recently,

and I had the opportunity to sculpt her word, breathe.

These words are from her blog, as is the image below:

 

one two three. be still

breathe belly deep, exhale slow

let go. calm down. BE

 

 

reminder to breathe...deeper, longer.

 

While

 

like my authentic friend Anna.

Some of her words are below.

 

"As I think about waiting, I think of these pages full of longing, confusion, pain, and joy."

 

"It might sound like a passive word, but wait is an active verb. It is an action that we take. That day I learned that waiting is brave when everyone else is moving past you. It is brave to believe that there is something better ahead, while letting the opportunities of the present expire."

 

"Those of us that are idealists are always waiting. I could write volumes more about the waiting, and what I'm continuing to learn." 

 

I do look forward to reading more stories,

that are part of the volumes, Anna.

 

 

These words are woven into my story as I mold and sculpt and wrap the wire, prayerfully meditating on the message of the word and the meaning for its recipient.  As I continue my own freedom pursuit, these words help guide my soul, too.

Freedom, I am still reaching for you.

 

 

 Vivian, the collection of wire word sculptures continues growing, fulfilling your very special vision!

 

Ellen, I think you're like the dendrologist I mentioned in my last post, there has been more going on beneath the surface than I think I realized - proprioceptive?

Free to Forgive

There are some things that trained eyes have the ability to see, and no one else can. Such as the beginning of a disease on a seemingly healthy tree, as noticed by a dendrologist. 

 

 

While untimely deaths are never welcomed by the loved ones who have no choice but to accept their losses, suicides are a particularly hard breed to handle.  They come with their own set of dimensions and what ifs and could haves and blames. 

 

On Saturday, I did the Out of the Darkness walk for Sheri, and as I pushed my girls along the four miles, catching glimpses of light on the lake's water between trees, I had time to think.  The trained senses of a mentor noticed something in me as I spoke to her about Sheri recently. 

A five word phrase was what she spoke to me: "You need to forgive her." 

Simple words that move mountains.

 

How can it be that I did not forgive my best friend? 

The truth stuck like a square peg in a round hole. 

One of the knots in my fibers, seen and being pulled free. 

The freedom to forgive, a pin pointed revelation to scrape away barnacles of old.   

 

It is fitting that the freedom to forgive would be a truth

that found me this year of my freedom pursuit. 

I have realized the need to forgive myself;

I have realized that I need to forgive Sheri.

I do believe it is true that we know not what we do.

Forgiveness is a balm, a salve,

and within its power lies restoration

and freedom.



Life Dance

My favorite show by far is So You Think You Can Dance on FOX.  It's almost at the end of its ninth season.  The dancers captivate me as I watch them, and the choreographies are impressive.  Lately I have been writing down some of the thoughts this show stirs within me, as well as some of the quotes by the judges.

The collage pictured above is one I made with pictures of dancers that I found in my collection of collage materials.  I hung it up behind my desk so I could see it when I sit to write.  I would like to focus on why dance has such meaning for me, and dig deeper into the messages that coincide with the dance of life.

There is something special about the dancers who have their own style and quirkyness.  They bring all of themselves to the dance floor, knowing who they are and not being afraid to show it.  The dancers who are fluid in their ability to move carry versatility; they are able to take on whatever situation they are put into and handle it with grace.  When the dancer lives and breathes the music, she is able to become an embodiment of the piece - the soul of emotion, the music - and for those few minutes, another dimension is experienced. 

Trust is an essential element in the best dances.  When the dance partners trust each other, and when the dancers trust their choreography, they are able to allow themselves to be thrown fully into the routine, even if the dance throws them off-kilter.  When they go full on into it, no matter what it holds, it becomes a thing of brilliance and beauty. 

There is something about being surrendered to the dances that allows vulnerability to show through and gives the audience the opportunity to truly connect with the dancers.  When the audience is able to connect with the dancers on an emotional level, they can get through to the top - even without being the best dancer technically.  Technicality is not what matters most.  Perfection is thrown out the door.  It's about being able to realize that sometimes getting as into the routine as you need to in order to show your commitment to the piece sometimes means that you're going to have to beat yourself up pretty badly.  It's not always going to look pretty, as was explained about the piece Addiction, choreographed by Mia Michaels.

This show provides such a learning experience for me that I desire to carry over into life.  Strong messages are spoken of how I would like my Life Dance to be.  I want to be able to let it all out, let go of the baggage, "stop dancing with all the baggage," as the judges have encouraged some of the dancers to do.  I want to let loose and show emotion, show who I am in my daily moments.  I want to give something raw and uninhibited...  The dancers who push their limits and break down the walls are the ones who leave the biggest impressions and create the most unforgettable moments.

Everyone Else's Perfect Lives

I have lately been finding myself filled with the desire to shatter glass, and tear things.



It is not so much that I want to literally do these things as the satisfaction I get from imagining the sound of the glass against something hard or the sensory experiencing of tearing perfect cloth up its seams.

You see, everything falls apart.  And sometimes I question the strength of this world to hold us, to hold me and my thoughts.  There comes a time when even my faith is peeled back to the barest of bones, and I am left to wonder what will be contained in the marrow. 

And it's those ideals of perfection that lock us in cages, and keep us afraid to say that yes, we have also wondered, and you know what else and you know what my desires have been?  We nod our heads to things we don't agree with, just to keep the peace or the pretenses, but you know what I think:
Maybe you want to shatter glass too? 

But we're perfect, aren't we?  Everyone else? 
You and me, in each other's eyes?  Yes, no?  
Everyone else is better?  They have more peace, patience, prosperity, joy, love, time, courage, creativity - but how do you know?  Why do we think so?

They sit down to family meals together, after having a prayer time in which every child participates, no one is rolling their eyes, and all chewing of food has ceased.  They have it all under control, when their children misbehave, and no one in that house ever yells?  Gourmet meals are prepared for all to enjoy, and they never eat Wal-mart's popcorn chicken?  Every morsel is made from scratch with organic ingredients, isn't it? (insert smiles and winks)

I have made bread from scratch and think it's a fun process, but I do it maybe a few times per year.  I enjoy baking and have some excellent recipes, but I don't have time to do more than throw ingredients in with a boxed mix or stir up melted marshmallows and Rice Krispies for the football practice bake sale.  I have never attempted to make my own raviolis, but there are people who probably think I do just because I might have mentioned I thought it would be neat to try once, years ago.  Oh, me.  Want to come over for dinner for a week to see how it is truthfully?

My favorite movie during high school years was Quentin Tarantino's Natural Born Killers.  The comment by my freshman year of college English teacher in response to that?  I thought you were much different, so quiet.  I listen to almost all types of music, I have had the words to Dwyck and songs from Naughty by Nature memorized since I was a pre-teen, and it still makes me smile when I hear Bone Thugs N Harmony because I used to listen to their songs at night to go to sleep. 

I am not conservative OR liberal; I don't vote across a certain political line regularly.  I like to think about things and view issues from every side of the angle.  I may not shout out loud that hearing Pitbull's song "Crazy" at Zumba gets my blood pumping, or that sometimes I listen to Phish's "Run Like an Antelope" (out of control!) and want to do what it says...  But there are a lot of things you may not do that you want to do either.  So we have got something in common.  Oh, and after doing some intense writing, it helps me to listen to Rusted Root's "Back to the Earth" and dance to the beat.  And my son rolls his eyes at the dance moves I made up to Rihanna's song "We Found Love," but I can't imagine why (he rolls his eyes that is...)  Writing all of this is making me feel giddy!

There is a lot that we don't know about each other.  And that is alright with me.  If I'm not perfect, will you accept my flaws and all?  Will I be able to shatter my ideals of your perfect life as you share your truths with me?  Will the cracks in our lives let more light in, and bring us closer together? 

I am not perfect.  And because I'm not perfect, I know that no one else is either.  I'm also free to change, and so are you.  This idea of perfection is one that I continue to shatter and shred into tatters, because it constantly creeps in telling me it's true, and that I cannot compare to this one or that one because they are so much better than me, and I will never get there.  I do not find the need to turn everyday moments into confessionals, but when I find the hint of a thought about me that totally doesn't fit, I just hope I have the awareness and wherewithall to uproot it.  And I hope you do, too.

My code words are going to be these:  shatter!  shred!

So if you hear me saying this when we're talking about home decorating or gardening or who makes the best sand castles and gets gifts and flowers from their husband and updates their facebook status with pictures and posts of their fabulous locations and weekend plans, and who makes the biggest snowman this coming winter on days when I don't wanna get out of my pajamas, and....  (insert deep breaths here, because you know I could keep going...)

Well, I'm just gonna say it, because we have to remember this - we're not perfect and no one else is.  So let's honor ourselves for who we are and stop comparing because there's so much that no one can do like you do, or like I do, and it's those small things that really matter, the ones no one else really sees, and YOU are irreplaceable, you are beautiful, and you, my dear, are loved.

And you are enough.

And me too.

 

xoxoxoxoxo with love and hugs xoxoxoxoxoxo



Listen

If I listen closely, I can hear...

 

 

~callings, from beyond~

~whispers on the wind~

~ancestral songs, footsteps, imprints~

~further existence~

~things being made new~

 



 

~my heart beating~

~breath, in & out~

~You, with me~

~unbroken peace~

~strength rising, from within & beneath~

 



 

and if I listen closely,

I can see the spirals,

and hear the song singing,

"listen for noises that have no sound"

 

{journal prompt

from #27 of August

@ The Art Journaler}

Seizing Freedom

Philadelphia is full of freedom messages and art. 

My camera worked overtime during our visit,

trying to capture all I saw.  

How do we celebrate freedom and live out our rights to be free?  What are the words we live by?  Do we exchange one freedom for another?  How is it that we continue to enslave ourselves in one way or another - whether through our though processes or standards or beliefs?

"...I was not alone. 

There were many others who felt the same way."

This resounds.



And what is the experience of American freedom as compared to any other "kind" of freedom?  What is the attraction of freedom in the U.S. as compared to freedom elsewhere?  Does freedom exist in more potency here?  What is it like to live in a country, for example, that does not allow religious freedom or freedom of speech?  What is it like to live in a place that does not allow women to read great literature classics?

"...freedom is a personal and lonely battle..."

Is this because only we know what we have set out to free ourselves from?  Is this because, even though the laws of our land dictate freedom, we continue to set up invisible laws of our own that we beat ourselves up over for not abiding?

How can I use my freedom

to ensure that others are free and remain free?

No one knows for sure how, when, or why the Liberty Bell got its crack.  I imagine it has to do with the force with which it was ringing.  Ring them bells; they rung it - loud and clear.

It can only follow then, can't it, that as I continue ringing for freedom,

striving to seize it,

something is going to crack in me?

Free to Change

This is Grandma; my husband's mother's mama;

my Grandma through marriage; our kids' Great-Grand.

We're in the car that my big sister (through marriage) keeps saying she wants to get detailed for her husband.  He's owned it for years, way over ten of them.

They just moved back east from  having lived on the west coast and then in the western desert since their marriage.  For us it's now a one and half hour car ride to visit them verses a five hour plane ride plus all the logistics of an airport trip.  We are delighted to have our close family nearer by; and our kids are ecstatic to be able to see their cousins more often.

My son needs football cleats and he is in the back seat with T and Grandma.  DeeDee's taking us to the stores twenty minutes away and we get to gaze out of the windows at the new scenery - the river winds itself through the land it's cut through, concrete stone tunnels open ways to pass under train trestles, huge metal objects are stored in a factory yard, we see baseball fields and the mill in town, and we pass a sign for Solitude House Museum.

Once we get to where the stores are, DeeDee follows the circles and we scour the signs for a store that would have what we need.  Grandma has been expressing that she would like a new color for her new bedroom; it's a light purple color with shade toppers that have hot pink circles polka dotted onto them.  When I asked if if she was sure she really didn't like it, suggesting that it could reawaken the little girl within her, she gave me one of her looks that says "are you crazy!?" and makes me laugh.  Oh, Grandma.  Oh, me.

After we found a sports store and purchased cleats for my son, we went to an office store to fulfill a request, and stopped into the paint store for samples.  I brought the sheet of off-white examples to Grandma, sitting in the car, to see what she liked.  She picked Ivory, not Marshmallow, and DeeDee suggested another color too, just in case Grandma picked that one for its name rather than what it looked like.

As we drove out of the parking lot and back into the circle, DeeDee and Grandma were talking about how she would like a new bed set.  Nothing is wrong with her bed set but she would like a new one, she explained to her granddaughter.  "When you want to change, you change - that's freedom," she stated, intonating finality.  In her late 80's, she knows some things.

Freedom messages are of special importance to me this year.  If you've read my blog or if I've told you about how this is my year of Freedom, you'll know why.  It's what I'm seeking after, and it's what has been pursuing me - and within these words  I'll link to blog posts that explain more.

I pulled out the light purple envelope from my purse to write down her quote.   It had held an invitation to a birthday party for one of my daugther's friends, and I couldn't help noticing that it matches Grandma's new bedroom walls; the walls she wants to paint over.  I wrote down the message, knowing I needed to catch the wisdom in her words, knowing I needed to hold onto the message that the ability to change is Freedom. 

I don't have to stay the same.

I can change my mind about things,

even if I once believed that this or that was right

or true in a diehard fashion at one point.

I can change my opinion.

I can change my style and the foods I like.

I can change the type of music I listen to.

I don't have to remain stuck in ways

that aren't working for me. 

There is no reason to always remain the same.

I am free to change.

I can even change my bed set,

just because I want to.
(but don't worry, hun, I don't want to -

not yet, anyway...)

Be Yourself

This is a Re-Post, because I find it so interesting that this is by far my most popular post.  Once in a while, I'll click on "Stats" and while other pages have a handful of views, 4 or 7, one actually has 18; Be Yourself has 72 just for this week.  All time = 344.  The most viewed page after that has 84 views.  So, by far, Be Yourself blows it out of the water.  MANY people are looking for messages about being themselves, and I hope that this post has done something to point others in the right direction.  We're all in this together; may you find your voice and be strong in who you are every day.

These posts are also about being yourself, in some weight shape or form. They hold messages of me being me and encourage you to be you; hope you'll take a peek! And please, leave a comment and let me know you were here, and tell me about your journey to become yourself more strongly.

Redemption Song

"...none but ourselves can free our mind..."

How Long

Will you choose
to give me the freedom

to be more than

what you want to

label me as

by your first impression?

Freedom Messages

"Free to be whoever you want to be!"

It's True

change the light by which you see

What I Need

and what do you need, do you know?

Ephemeral

blessed with melancholy

Emerging

I am finding ME

Here is the original post:

Be Yourself

On the door of a bathroom stall at a favorite cafe,

there is this message, pictured above.

I had been trying on lots of labels for a while,

thinking that I needed to be this way or that way

in order to live rightly.

The Spirit intervened and has been redeeming:

redeeming me, and who I've always been,

redeeming who I need to be,

the real me

hidden beneath all the layers,

coming back to life again.

Again, I read the message, clearly

plain and simply stated,

on the wall of another bathroom

at a new favorite place

where my kids and I rollerskated

and they bounced on inflatables

and we all had fun, such fun.

And the vision is of me

and these layers being peeled off

of the masks I tried on for a while,

and underneath is me,

head tilted back

waterfall rushing over,

and I am at peace.

There is more writing on the wall

at this favorite cafe

a Dr. Seuss reminder:

"Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So... get on your way!"

And I am utterly convinced

that I need to be myself,

and that you need to be yourself...

that every single person needs to be Who They Are,

and that we need each other to be unique

because there are things that only we can see

and experiences that only we can live,

and we need each other desperately

to bring forth into the world

what individual gifts

have been crafted into us only.

Be yourself -

you're the only you there is,

and I am the only me.