Hearts in the World

Heart bitten into leaf 

Heart shaped leaf 

Heart on my little girl's shirt 

Heart on my little girl's cheek 

Heart shaped by fungus growth 

Heart shaped by snowshoes pointing,

and me & my family.

Sharing with Clytie...  it's been a while...

Free to Forgive

There are some things that trained eyes have the ability to see, and no one else can. Such as the beginning of a disease on a seemingly healthy tree, as noticed by a dendrologist. 

 

 

While untimely deaths are never welcomed by the loved ones who have no choice but to accept their losses, suicides are a particularly hard breed to handle.  They come with their own set of dimensions and what ifs and could haves and blames. 

 

On Saturday, I did the Out of the Darkness walk for Sheri, and as I pushed my girls along the four miles, catching glimpses of light on the lake's water between trees, I had time to think.  The trained senses of a mentor noticed something in me as I spoke to her about Sheri recently. 

A five word phrase was what she spoke to me: "You need to forgive her." 

Simple words that move mountains.

 

How can it be that I did not forgive my best friend? 

The truth stuck like a square peg in a round hole. 

One of the knots in my fibers, seen and being pulled free. 

The freedom to forgive, a pin pointed revelation to scrape away barnacles of old.   

 

It is fitting that the freedom to forgive would be a truth

that found me this year of my freedom pursuit. 

I have realized the need to forgive myself;

I have realized that I need to forgive Sheri.

I do believe it is true that we know not what we do.

Forgiveness is a balm, a salve,

and within its power lies restoration

and freedom.



For Sheri

 

 

This is a picture of Sheri Ann Messina,

who was my best friend from 1st grade,

when we met in Mrs. Gartiser's class

at Saint Bonaventure's School.

 

We lived down the street from each other,

and we had frequent playdates and sleepovers.

Our sisters were best friends, too.

 

The thing that was different about being best friends with Sheri more than any other friends we both had was that we did the craziest things together and had the most fun together.  We talked about the future and how we would be best friends forever, maybe even raising our families near each other when we grew up and got married.

 

We made hilarious cassette tape recordings of ourselves, such as the one pictured above.  We made an extra copy of this one, and my aunt still has it.  I was surprised to find this one in my box of old cassettes, but I still haven't listened to it.  I don't know why I can't yet.  I am still looking for my favorite pictures of us together.  I know they are in a photo album that is covered with blue flowered fabric, but I don't know where the photo album is.  Please pray that it'll show up soon.  I have been praying about that for a while now, and it still hasn't.

 

But there are many memories of Sheri in different places in the remnants of my childhood, such as the autograph book page shown above where she was the first to write a message.  And in the Flowers for a Friend book I have on my shelf, which I found right around the sixth anniversary of her death, in 1999.  It was the book I'd been searching for since I had gotten her a copy once and I wanted one for myself to remind me.  It seemed to just appear and it reminded me that Sheri was with me, always in my heart.

 

This year I am doing something to honor my best friend.  I am planning to participate next weekend in an Out of the Darkness walk sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.  My fundraising webpage is here:

Brianne's Fundraising Webpage

I would be oh so grateful if you would donate towards my fundraising goal.  It has been nineteen years since Sheri's death, and I am finally doing something to outwardly to honor her life and her memory.  Our friendship meant the world to me, and Sheri's memory will always live strongly in my heart. 

 

 

Here is a poem I wrote for Sheri in 1997,

when I was seventeen years old.

I had a friend once who was my very best

The times we shared together were better than the rest

When she left I felt that my childhood was over

So many years of growing up and I didn’t even know her

Confusion struck me hard,

Things were no longer what I knew

Everything I once believed was now far from true

These times made me stronger, made me see a different light

I will never forget my best friend,

The one who took her life

Wherever I go she is on my mind

Forever & ever – I leave nothing behind

7/10/1997

 

Thank you for your support.

 

~Brianne

 

Authentic Online Community

I just finished reading The Artist's Way, by Julia Cameron.
It's taken me a while to let it go, to actually finish it.  This book's been instrumental in my reawakening as an artist, as a writer.  I've been savoring it like a good bar of dark chocolate that I'd hide in the corner of a cabinet shelf, or an expensive bottle of red wine aged in an oak barrel.  To be done means "what next?" - and although I have another book waiting to be read, the challenge is to go do something; and although I have been, the truth is, I need to be more consistent with my art and writing.

It's for my own good, really.

I enjoy watching doors open and possibilities happen as connections are made.  I have always wanted to be part of a group that believes in one another, encourages one another, accepts one another, and cheers each other on with our creative, artistic pursuits and deep soul, deep thought yearnings.  When I first started my blog, which wasn't all that long ago, I wrote a post about Why I'm Here, trying to figure it all out myself.

I'm learning and growing through the community I've found online, and although things are not yet crystal clear, they aren't as blurry.  It can be hard because I have this desire to be in deep community, like Julia Cameron describes in the Appendix of The Artist's Way - a "Sacred Circle" of artists who "belong to an ancient and holy tribe," and can "midwive dreams for one another."  A group who can be there to support each other when our dreams seem either too lofty or heavy for us to hold, when we're talking to darkness again, letting it unfold us and do it's work, reminding each other that there are some seeds that can only grow and flower when they receive the right amount of complete darkness, providing the right amount of encouragement and poetry when we don't believe in ourselves and want to give up.

"Moonlight illuminate my night and my days sunray make the people say
And a vision something's missing so they're screaming out loud
Keep my feet on the ground and my head in the clouds."
Matisyahu - Time of Your Song

I get bored (and tired and frustrated) of spending time reading and commenting in places that receive no feedback, or little feedback, or lack actual communication and discussion.  I miss the interactions provided by some college classes when I was still in school, and what I imagine a Creative Cluster of artists would provide in a group going through a book like The Artist's Way together would be like.  In real time, it's not been an opportunity provided; considering the stage of life I am in, online community has been a more realistic pursuit.

So I've been jumping through hoops, looking for colorful, alive places where I can be myself, ask questions, get answers, and be part of something authentic.  What I mean by authenticity in online community is something trustworthy, genuine, real - that back and forth, that being seen, that not making it all about oneself but including others.  Taking time to respond, before jumping to the next thing, noticing readers and their comments, not skipping over anybody, and connecting others to each other, in community.

It can be tricky online, I know this,

but I found some things that are worth my time to be part of. 

I found some places that are authentic, full of communication, and Secret Messages. 

I have found what I am looking for:

Authentic Online Community.

Places to be noticed and notice others who are part of it,

Doing Brave Things,

Sharing Hearts.

This makes it all worth it to me.





Burma

Burma was introduced to me through a book I read by Amy Tan, Saving Fish From Drowning.

I loved this book.  Set in Burma, it was my first exposure to anything about this place, its people and culture.  Although fictional, I could imagine bits and pieces of reality strewn among the author's created elements.  I wanted to meet the Burmese people this book introduced me to.  I wanted to give them hugs.

My fascination for Burma has grown since then.  I heard mention of the country on a teaching CD I was listening to, years after reading Amy Tan's book.  The woman speaking was extremely emotional as she spoke about Burma.  The plight of the country's people has been full of struggle as opposing forces are at war, and oppression crushes freedom.

By following up on the work of an organization she mentioned, I found the book Displaced Reflections, and the work of Partners Relief & Development.   I try to keep up with what's going on in Burma through this organization's emails and website, when I can, and I am learning about the true struggle for freedom that exists in this world on many levels.

That's why I have to write about Burma here.  That's why I admire Aung San Suu Kyi.  She is a true freedom fighter from whom there is much to learn. 

This here is just a tidbit, part of my collection, something to refer back to, as I continue to learn and search and research, throughout my year of freedom.

From Amy Tan's Saving Fish From Drowning:
A pious man explained to his followers: "It is evil to take lives and noble to save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop and twirl. 'Don't be scared,' I tell those fishes. 'I am saving you from drowning.' Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything, I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes."

Architect of Light

There's a freedom fighter I admire,
her name is Aung San Suu Kyi.


One day,
while searching for inspiration
with the words "glinting light splinters"
as I wrote the poem Shards Of Light,
a satisfied smile came
when I stumbled upon a poem
 - A White Architect of Light -
all about Aung San Suu Kyi.

"She came back from the land of democrative destiny and dissolved
into the chaotic void.
Fighting for the freedom of reality
Building the light house in the darkest hours of life
Fixing up the spiritual essence through the existential nothingness
in the valueless zone

Layers by layers, realities of life theatre are turned into distilled light
out of trapped reflections

Mother of modern Myanmar honoured by consciencious tree of life
Curving away all the unnecessary parts
Curving away all the necessary parts"

by Nyein Way

It satisfies me to stumble upon finds like this,
because Aung San Suu Kyi is well-known as a powerful, peaceful freedom fighter,
she has a book published that is called Freedom From Fear and other writings,
and this is my year of freedom.


And I will post bits & pieces I've gathered about her recently,
here on my blog this week.

Trayvon Martin

Dear Mr. Langerlaan,

I'm the kind of person who has to think about issues fully and take time to look at things from all angles before I have something to say about them.  This process often takes a lot of time, especially when days are busy and there's not much time to think.  Therefore, I'm often able to voice something way after the fact, when others have already moved on to the next thing. 

I realized that's not the case, though, with what happened to Trayvon Martin.  A group in my area is hosting an event this week to discuss Trayvon's death and the issues surrounding it.  I just read about it in this weekend's paper.  I'm glad that this case is still being discussed because there are many implications and elements of change that what happened brings up.

In an article about a mural dedicated to Trayvon Martin that I read earlier this month of April, you, Mr. Langerlaan, called the mayor's office to complain, stating, "That type of art goes with gangs.  It's a hooded character with no face.  How am I supposed to interpret it?"  I wondered if anyone answered your question.  I feel compelled to. 

When I saw the article about this Elmwood Park mural, it caught my eye.  I thought the artwork was a beautiful representation of a message that others understood and supported the issues surrounding Trayvon Martin's case.  I realize the location of this mural might not be ideal.  Perhaps if it had been just over the border in Paterson, there would be no issues.  I know these areas well, and what is occurring here furthers the issue at hand: of racial profiling, racial discrimination, and prejudgments that cause untimely deaths.  It actually reminds me of the story of an elementary school classmate of mine who was shot by the cops as a teenager in Paterson.  His name was Lawrence, too.

There is a problem with not knowing how to interpret art, Mr. Langerlaan. Art is a passion of mine, and when I saw the "hooded character with no face" immediately I realized that this figure represented the meaning behind this case. Perhaps that was how Trayvon Martin was viewed:  "as a hooded character with no face."  Perhaps that was how his shooter viewed all who wore a hooded sweatshirt: as someone with no face. 

This is a problem, because underneath the hood, there is a face.  The face represents a person, an individual, more than a character, more than just a figure wearing a hood. People need to see that. They need to recognize that if they are viewing people as ones with no face, as ones who all look the same, who represent gang culture or whatever the case may be, they are wrong. They are seeing through jaded eyes. They are seeing through prejudices and judgments. They are seeing through the eyes of racism. They are not seeing differences. They are not seeing individuality. They are seeing a person with no face. How shall I interpret that? 

I hope I've helped with my interpretation, sir.  This is an opportunity for a community to band together in the realization that prejudices exist but we strive to overcome them.  It is sad that this wonderful mural has become a threat, when it is obvious that it was only meant to show love.

~Brianne

For videos about this mural click here 
For articles, click here