Everyone Else's Perfect Lives

I have lately been finding myself filled with the desire to shatter glass, and tear things.



It is not so much that I want to literally do these things as the satisfaction I get from imagining the sound of the glass against something hard or the sensory experiencing of tearing perfect cloth up its seams.

You see, everything falls apart.  And sometimes I question the strength of this world to hold us, to hold me and my thoughts.  There comes a time when even my faith is peeled back to the barest of bones, and I am left to wonder what will be contained in the marrow. 

And it's those ideals of perfection that lock us in cages, and keep us afraid to say that yes, we have also wondered, and you know what else and you know what my desires have been?  We nod our heads to things we don't agree with, just to keep the peace or the pretenses, but you know what I think:
Maybe you want to shatter glass too? 

But we're perfect, aren't we?  Everyone else? 
You and me, in each other's eyes?  Yes, no?  
Everyone else is better?  They have more peace, patience, prosperity, joy, love, time, courage, creativity - but how do you know?  Why do we think so?

They sit down to family meals together, after having a prayer time in which every child participates, no one is rolling their eyes, and all chewing of food has ceased.  They have it all under control, when their children misbehave, and no one in that house ever yells?  Gourmet meals are prepared for all to enjoy, and they never eat Wal-mart's popcorn chicken?  Every morsel is made from scratch with organic ingredients, isn't it? (insert smiles and winks)

I have made bread from scratch and think it's a fun process, but I do it maybe a few times per year.  I enjoy baking and have some excellent recipes, but I don't have time to do more than throw ingredients in with a boxed mix or stir up melted marshmallows and Rice Krispies for the football practice bake sale.  I have never attempted to make my own raviolis, but there are people who probably think I do just because I might have mentioned I thought it would be neat to try once, years ago.  Oh, me.  Want to come over for dinner for a week to see how it is truthfully?

My favorite movie during high school years was Quentin Tarantino's Natural Born Killers.  The comment by my freshman year of college English teacher in response to that?  I thought you were much different, so quiet.  I listen to almost all types of music, I have had the words to Dwyck and songs from Naughty by Nature memorized since I was a pre-teen, and it still makes me smile when I hear Bone Thugs N Harmony because I used to listen to their songs at night to go to sleep. 

I am not conservative OR liberal; I don't vote across a certain political line regularly.  I like to think about things and view issues from every side of the angle.  I may not shout out loud that hearing Pitbull's song "Crazy" at Zumba gets my blood pumping, or that sometimes I listen to Phish's "Run Like an Antelope" (out of control!) and want to do what it says...  But there are a lot of things you may not do that you want to do either.  So we have got something in common.  Oh, and after doing some intense writing, it helps me to listen to Rusted Root's "Back to the Earth" and dance to the beat.  And my son rolls his eyes at the dance moves I made up to Rihanna's song "We Found Love," but I can't imagine why (he rolls his eyes that is...)  Writing all of this is making me feel giddy!

There is a lot that we don't know about each other.  And that is alright with me.  If I'm not perfect, will you accept my flaws and all?  Will I be able to shatter my ideals of your perfect life as you share your truths with me?  Will the cracks in our lives let more light in, and bring us closer together? 

I am not perfect.  And because I'm not perfect, I know that no one else is either.  I'm also free to change, and so are you.  This idea of perfection is one that I continue to shatter and shred into tatters, because it constantly creeps in telling me it's true, and that I cannot compare to this one or that one because they are so much better than me, and I will never get there.  I do not find the need to turn everyday moments into confessionals, but when I find the hint of a thought about me that totally doesn't fit, I just hope I have the awareness and wherewithall to uproot it.  And I hope you do, too.

My code words are going to be these:  shatter!  shred!

So if you hear me saying this when we're talking about home decorating or gardening or who makes the best sand castles and gets gifts and flowers from their husband and updates their facebook status with pictures and posts of their fabulous locations and weekend plans, and who makes the biggest snowman this coming winter on days when I don't wanna get out of my pajamas, and....  (insert deep breaths here, because you know I could keep going...)

Well, I'm just gonna say it, because we have to remember this - we're not perfect and no one else is.  So let's honor ourselves for who we are and stop comparing because there's so much that no one can do like you do, or like I do, and it's those small things that really matter, the ones no one else really sees, and YOU are irreplaceable, you are beautiful, and you, my dear, are loved.

And you are enough.

And me too.

 

xoxoxoxoxo with love and hugs xoxoxoxoxoxo